Recovery Edit #1 (Learning to Ollie, Again)

DOCUMENTING THE RECOVERY, Edit #1.
Sat 8/31. Fourth time back on the board since breaking my leg in May.

PERSPECTIVE
A cynic might say, “Wow, your skating has been reduced to that?” I’ll take the opposite view. This is what its RISEN to. Six weeks ago I couldn’t walk w/o crutches, let alone stand on skateboard. I won’t lie. It’s very frustrating to loose so much (and not know if it will EVER come back), but the situation is what it is. At least I’m rolling.

HOPES
Right now It would be a miracle if could ever again (1) do any kind of flip trick, (2) 50/50 a bench, (3) ride a ramp 3’ or taller, (4) be able to run/jog.

REALITIES
It is hard to ollie up a small curb right now. Pushing is difficult. I still walk with an acute limp. The fakie ollies in the clip were a real struggle. The b/s blunt was a big. Tried one the other day and just collapsed to the ground in pain. Too much sudden weight on my front foot, and I just drop like Whitney Houston in a hotel bathroom (hence the pads, which I’ll be rocking for the foreseeable future). I’m also bringing back the ‘80s “ankle pad” look. That’s right where the break/surgery/metal plate/scar tissue was/is. The scar is still super sensitive. That spot is very prone for board wacks, and I definitely don’t want a direct hit to the hardware in my leg. That would be bad.

So, that’s where I’m at with everything. Hopefully the future “Recovery Edits” will show some meaningful improvement. Again, thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement. I’ve come pretty far, but there is still a long road ahead of me.

Is This The End?

Today is August 25, 2019. I broke my fibula with ligament damage on May 21, 2019. Surgery was two days later on May 23, 2019. Almost exactly three months later, where are we now? To be honest, things look a bleak. Two days ago the orthopedic surgeon said the fracture was completely healed. While that is great news, there is another, much bigger problem—my ankle.

There are two problems with my ankle. The first is swelling. The second is flexibility. My ankle has dramatically lost its range of motion. Because of that I am still limping. Going down stairs is hard, and skateboarding is like try tying to play the piano while wearing oven mitts—you know what to do, but there is a physical barrier. To make matters worse, the orthopedic doctor said he “usually tells people at three months they are seeing 75% of what they are going to get back.” That is simply horrifying. Another 25% is not going to enable me to run, or skateboard. I need more than that. A lot more. Things in my ankle still hurt.

My next appointment with the physical therapist is this week. I am going to ask her if I should get a second opinion about my ankle. They put a screw in my leg, which the orthopedic doctor said, if removed, would not make any difference in flexibility. Others have seemed to indicate the exact opposite. I don’t know what to think right now. I just want my ankle to move again.  The idea of not really being able to skate again is horribly depressing.  

In related news, wearing a sock feel really weird over the surgery area. I am not sure if that is from the scar tissue, or from being able to feel the plate in my leg. It feels really weird, and I don’t like it. Second, since I haven’t been able to do any exercise in the last three months I’ve gained like 10 pounds, and I feel really gross/disgusting. Apparently I need to go on the first diet of my life. Third, due to swelling my foot, I can’t yet comfortable put on my hockey skates. God knows how long it will be until I am back on the ice, and what mental factors I will have to overcome learning to ice skate again, of it I'll even be physically able to do so. 

That is the physical stuff. Mentally, I am pretty depressed right now. I had a lot of hope to up and running again (pun intended) by the fall.  Now, all I have is medical professionals indicating that things are not going to improve much beyond what they currently are. If they are correct, where does one turn when hope is gone? 

One Crutch!

Big break through today. I am now able to walk with only ONE crutch. This is huge, because it means I can now carry things, like a cup a coffee.

Six Weeks Later

Tomorrow is a big day for me.


It is the six-week follow-up for my broken leg. The doctors originally said that I’d probably be weight-bearing around the six-week mark. I might be able to lose the crutches, and walk again on my own. That will be huge when it happens. It could mean resuming regular work hours, starting PT, carrying coffee on own, and hopefully beginning some light dry-land hockey practice. I will not be skateboarding for quite some time (or be back on the ice for real hockey).


Of course, there is also the chance that I may not be ready for any of this yet, and will still be confined to the crutches for some time. My ankle area is feeling stronger, but there still some serious stiffness, feeling is not totally back yet, leg muscles are atrophied, and my foot is still swollen (bruising is almost 100% gone, however)…so there, is still quite a ways to go before I am back to normal. I don’t know if it’s better to hope for the best, or expect the worst for tomorrow.

The Existential Vacuum

Life as I know it is “on hold” right now. I am literally just sitting around and waiting for things to “start” again. It’s beginning to weigh on me. Skateboarding, hockey, bicycling, urban/woodland exploration, and my job. These are all things I can’t do right now. They are the things that give my life real passion, meaning, and purpose. For now, they are all gone. For better or worse, they are what constitutes my “life,” and they are all on hold.

While I have a follow-up visit in two weeks, and they might clear me to be (partially) weight-bearing, it’s still going to be awhile before I can get back to those activities  (and that’s even assuming I fully heal-up). An existential vacuum opens when the things you care about suddenly collapse, and vanish.

Life is very different right now, and will be for quite awhile. I am a firm believer that life is more about how you respond to what happens to you, than what actually happens to you. That said, I haven’t quite figured out how to respond to this situation yet. I’m bored as fuck. I can’t be “active.” I can’t even walk without crutches right now. I need to find something meaningful to occupy my time and life with until I can return to the world I once knew.

It’s time to adapt.   
     

Four Weeks Later

I broke my leg four weeks ago yesterday. Absent major developments, I’m going to aim for blog updates every two weeks to track recovery.

Leg & Foot Condition: It’s still swollen and bruised, but not as much as it was two weeks ago. Feeling is still blunted in my foot…but maybe not as much as it was? It’s hard to tell with gradual changes. I can move my toes and ankle a bit more, but it’s still really limited. Ankle area (ligaments??) feel really stiff, and sore. Toes feel kind of stiff, too. I am more concerned about pain in ankle area now than I am about hurting the break. My calf and foot are no longer really sore when I go from laying down (or keeping foot up) to standing up-right. Hands, wrist, elbows, and shoulders get a little sore from the crutches, too. My leg must be getting really weak from non-use. PT should be interesting.

Housing: I am still at my parents’ place, and will be here at least until I am weight bearing. Maybe longer. TBA. Taking a shower is a pain in the ass. Life is definitely easier here than it would be at my apartment in the city.

Mental State: I’m bored as hell. I was bouncing around with Joe during the day when he was here, but he left the area last week. Now I’m on my own.  I need to find things to occupy myself with. At night I can go some pretty dark places when in bed/can’t sleep. The future can be a scary place. I need to stay in the moment as much as I can.

Skateboarding: This is a long way off. I’ll certainly be doing dry-land hockey stuff long before I am skateboarding again.

Hockey: I got a really nice stick (for ice). I’ll be able to use it for stick handling / shooting once I am weight-bearing. I also want to get a new pair of gloves, and a shooting pad/board for once I get cleared for all that. It’s something short-terms (before full recovery) to look forward to. 

Weight: I am worried I’m going to get fat while being totally inactive. I need to watch what I am eating.

Next Visit: They claim I could be weight-bearing (50%?? 100%??) at six-weeks. My exact six-week date falls on the week of July 4th. I couldn’t get an appointment until July 11th, so technically that will be a SEVEN week follow-up. I am kind of bummed about having to wait an additional week for that visit, but it is what it is. Right now I am a bit skeptical that there will be much of change in my foot in the next three weeks. I’ll just have to wait, see, and hope. 

So, I Broke My Leg...

On Tuesday, May 21, 2019 I broke my fibula and fucked-up the ankle ligaments in the process. I had surgery two days later. Today I had my two-week follow-up. Stitches removed. I found out that during surgery they put in a plate, five bolts, and one big-ass screw. I’m still non-weight bearing (e.g. on crutches) for at least another 4 weeks. Down to a removable air cast which is great.

My lower leg, ankle, and foot are still really swollen. Feeling in my foot is blunted. I can barley bend my ankle. They say with time, and PT, all that will go away. All I can do is wait, and hope.

I was skating a 6' high mini ramp when it happened. It was my first time on that ramp. The previous day I stated that the ramp was "cursed." Now I know that it is. I later found out that the ramp/park is KNOWN for broken bones and other serious injuries. The place even has a nickname, "The Bone Shaker." Indian burial ground or some shit.

I did some trick on one wall, and didn't like my feet placement on the way out of it. Ok, I figured, do an easy set-up trick on the next wall, and just reset. On the next wall, I did a nollie to rock to fakie. A trick I’ve done a million times. When landed on the coping, my board slid ever so slightly. It was enough to make my foot placement even worse. I briefly considered just bailing at that point, and knee sliding out. But, I decided to hang-on. "I can ride this out, it will be sketchy, but I can ride it out." Bad decision. I should have listened to my first instinct.

By the time I got to the bottom of the transition, and just started to enter the flat, I knew I was going to go down. I tried to step off my board and just run out. I planted my foot, but my leg kept going. I fell onto my leg with foot bent to the side. I immediately knew something BAD happened. I don't really remember taking my pads off, or my shoe, or waking across the park, or up the hill to get to my friend's van, but apparently I did. Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.

I remember making a lot of noise in the ride to the hospital. Half of it was from pain, the other half was out of utter existential frustration--I knew I wasn't going to be skating for awhile. I knew I wasn't going to be playing ice hockey. I knew I would be missing work. I knew my summer was now shot. I knew bad shit was going to go down. I knew my world had just radically changed, and I was pissed, angry, frustrated, and sad that all of that was going to happen...all because I decided to roll the dice on a fucking trick I knew I should have bailed-out on when I had the chance.

I've broken plenty of bones before, and had metal put in my body (metal rod in arm from a motorcycle wreck), but never anything this incapacitating. This is a whole new experience for me.

I'm now two weeks in to what could be a "three to six month" recovery, and my perspective has changed a bit since that car ride. More on that in my next post, but some context is in order.

My dad contracted Polio when he was an infant. He is now confined to a wheelchair, but had previously walked on crutches his entire life. I will walk again. He never will. In just the last six years my mom has had a knee replacement, three spine fusions (the metal rods in her back broke), and recovered from a broken hip/femur. Both of my parents have ALWAYS been in good spirits during these situations. Real role models for how to deal with adversity. Against that backdrop, I don't have much to complain about.