A Few Updates from the Personal World

It’s been a bit since I’ve posted any personal updates. That is a good sign—it means I’ve been skating. So, here is what’s been going in my world.

I.  Ankle Recovery: It ain’t what it used to be, that’s for sure. Sometimes it hurts when I walk. Sometimes I don’t really notice. It’s still weaker than it was, and I don’t fully trust it. I still haven’t tried any serious running yet, but I feel like that might be coming soon. All this said, I able to do everything I did pre-break in a diminished, but at least meaningful, way. That is all I could really ask for. 

II.  Skateboarding: Last sentence in the previous paragraph really sums it up. I am skating mini ramps again (but keeping it in the 4’ - 5’ range). There is still a lot of tricks I haven’t yet attempted again. Some of that is certainly residual physical limitation from the injury, but I am sure a lot of it is mental, too. That will be an on-going battle. I am making slow but steady progress. But most of all, I am having fun, and skating in a way that is meaningful to me. Again, that is all I could really ask for. 

III.  Skate Equipment Stuff:

(1) Old Bones Therapy: This week I got a set of Old Bones knee gaskets. My old Killer 187 gaskets were getting a bit spent, and Old Bones seems to have a very devoted (cultish??) following, so I decided to give them a shot. In depth product review coming in the near future.

(2) A Bigger Set-Up: I rode a friend’s board last week that was much bigger than my usual set-up. I was having some real fun with it. So, I ordered a bigger deck, and threw some old Indy 159s on it. Rain this week, so I won’t be able to really skate it for a bit. I’ve been down this road before, and I have ALWAYS ended up back on my regular set-up, and giving away whatever new/different equipment I am trying. Will this time be any different? Doubtful, but it’s always good to challenge your basic assumptions from time to time (if only to reaffirm them). I’ll probably post an update on this after I’ve skated the deck a bit.  

(3) Rail Slide Bar: I built this little railslide bar about 2-3 weeks ago. It was built to fit exactly in my car. I wish it was about 12"-18" longer, but it's good enough.  I haven't been able to spend serious time on it yet, but it's certainly going to be a lot of fun. 

 

 

A Moving Moment

[A topologist studies properties of objects that are preserved when moved, bent, stretched or twisted, without cutting or gluing parts together.]

My elderly parents are moving. Today I went to help them pack. I’ve had stuff in storage at their place since I was 19-years-old. I now have to get rid of most it, including these three toys.

 

I played with these countless hours as a kid. They are among the last tangible, direct, links I have to my childhood. Letting them go is sad. It feels like extinguishing a dim, but long burning ember that still kept part of my (childhood) soul alive. As long as I kept these toys, that part of my spirit would endure. Without them, my distant youth atrophies, fades, and disappears forever.

But let’s get real. 

What purpose have these old metal toys really served? They have sat, mostly forgotten, in a dusty corner of the attic for decades. Every few years I would inadvertently unearth them, smile, and then cast them back to shadow of almost forgotten memory, until the exact same process repeated itself again.

I commented to my mom this afternoon that, “It’s sad to let favorite childhood toys go.”

“Yes. Yes, it is,” She said. “But those were never your favorite toys. Not by a mile.”

Her statement shocked me. Incredulously I asked, “They weren’t? Then what was?”

Her voice lowered, almost to inaudible whisper. She spoke with a quiet, but calculated and compassionate demeanor that was both full of conviction and truth. I stood, entranced by her words and tone.

“Oh, you still play with it. All the time. In that respect, your childhood has never really ended. That is a gift. A gift very few ever know. Cherish it.” And then she pointed.

My eye followed her old, shaking, crooked, arthritic finger as it motioned to the corner. When I saw what she was point to, a tear of joy, empathy, and understanding started to roll down my cheek.

Later in the day I dropped my old toys off at a Goodwill bin, in hopes that they would eventually find another soul to ignite. I stood there for a while, as if at a gravesite, and said my final goodbyes to a greater symbolism. I remembered there was a curb not far away. A curb I had skated for countless hours as a kid. A breeze came up behind me, and the glow of dying embers rekindled into a brilliant light.

EDIT: I drove by this donation site after my curb session. They toys were gone. Someone had taken them to a new home.

Dealing with Skate Anxiety, Part I (Injury)

I previously wrote this primer for people “returning to skateboarding after a long break.” It covered things like avoiding common old-guy injuries, equipment, and how to navigate the social world of skateboarding without making a turboclown of yourself. However, I recently realized there was one huge topic I entirely missed: Anxiety.

Skate-related-anxiety usually comes in two forms. The first is injury or reinjury anxiety. This is simply fear of getting seriously injured. The second is social anxiety. Usually this stems from how you think you will be perceived by other skaters or anyone else for that matter (e.g. not doing “cool” tricks, being the “old guy” the park, wearing pads, looking dumb, out of place, poseur, etc.).

If either or both of these sound like you, please find some solace in the fact that you are NOT alone. Many grapple with these exact issues—and not just people starting up again after a long break. People who have skated continuously their entire life also face these two anxieties from time to time. I certainly have. You are not alone. This post is about dealing with both of them. Your anxiety will not be solved by the time you are done reading these words. However, I hope that you may walk away with some perspective, and a few mitigation strategies to make things more manageable. Again, you are not alone.  

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, therapist, clinician, social worker, etc.

                                                               Injury Anxiety

In May 2019 I broke my leg/ankle on a 6’ mini ramp. I had two surgeries, and now have a lot of metal in my leg. I was cleared to start skating again in March 2020. My ankle is weak, and not nearly as flexible as it once was. If I come down on it wrong, it hurts, and I collapse. I can no longer properly “run out” of tricks. My ability to do “controlled falls” is nowhere near what it once was. Because of this, I often now wear knee/elbow pads even when skating a curb (e.g. I collapse/can’t run out of bails). Not only do I have ankle reinjury anxiety, but now I also wrestle with anxiety about injuring some other part of my body because I can’t fall with the controlled manner I once did. Add to that, the fact that our reaction time slows with age, and the fact that we don’t heal as fast as we used…and, well, yeah, there is a lot to be anxious about. (2023 UPDATE: My ankle is now healed-up as much as it's ever going to be. It will never be the same as it was before the injury, but I am back to skating at almost the same level I was before. That said, the body heals faster than the mind, and a few years later, I still occasionally have mental battles over/with some tricks because of re-injury fear. And I realize that may never go fully away.)

I share my story so that if you are reading this, and you have (re)injury anxiety, to let you know you are not alone. I know exactly what you are dealing with. I, too, have very real experience in this field. Much of what is written below is aimed at someone who is just starting-up again, or is just coming back from a major injury. However, this information is equally applicable to someone working on their first kickflip McTwist as it is to someone learning to ollie again. The specific trick here is wholly irrelevant, as it is actually nothing more than a mere variable in a larger, universal structure of injury anxiety. Danny Way, about to try something he’s never done before on a megaramp, probably has a similar (injury) anxiety that you may have acid dropping off a curb. Sure, the scale and scope of those two tricks may be vastly different, but the existential experience of that anxiety is often shared across all skill sets. So, what can be done about it?

Injury anxiety is an injury to the mind and spirit. Its origin stems from concern about injury to the body. Thus, we have to focus on the mind to overcome injury anxiety. Your primary goal is to do what ever you need to put your mind at ease (or to ease it as much as you can).  Let me repeat that. Your primary goal is to put your mind at ease. Do this in any manner, and by any means necessary, that works for you.

There are many ways and approaches to putting your mind at ease. Use as many physical, emotional, and spiritual tools as you need. The list below is by no means exhaustive; it just touches on some basic concepts. Use what resonates with you, ignore what does not, and experiment with new approaches. 

Baby Steps: Start with tiny baby steps. Just roll around a parking lot. Pushing. Kicktuns. Carves. 180s. Rock and rolls on small curbs. Acid drops off small curbs. Stationary tricks on curbs. Do what you are comfortable with. Do what is fun. Then slowly, as you begin to feel more comfortable, push the envelope a tiny bit. Find a slightly higher curb. Go a tad faster. Etc. Don’t go outside your comfort zone, but just stretch it a tiny, little bit each time. Allow yourself small victories—even if it is as basic as just TRYING something you had never tried before, or something you were too scared to (re)try. These are indeed victories. They are forward progress. The journey of thousand miles starts with a single step. Focus on those small, single steps. Each one is a victory.

Keep a Notebook: Write down your small victories. It can be hard to keep track of incremental progress when you are immersed in it. Having a log gives you something to reflect on. Writing something down gives it a more concrete reality. It transforms abstract concepts into something more tangible. It makes dismissal and repudiation a harder task. Moreover, it is acknowledgement and admission that something occurred, and it provides for recognition of your victories.

Skate Often: Skate everyday if you can. This will keep you mentally comfortable and familiar with what you are doing. Big breaks between sessions will allow uncertainty to creep back in. They also allow your muscle memory to wane. Go to the gym once a week, you wont see any results. Go three times a week, and you will be in a much better position. The same is true for putting your mind at ease with what you are doing. The more you do it, the more familiar it becomes. Familiarity provides comfort and solace.  However, you can also overdo it. Sometimes it is good to take a break, and allow your mind to reset. You'll have to experiment and find which path, at what times, works for you. 

Pads: If they would help your mental state, wear every damn pad you can get your hands on. Hell, wear full ice hockey equipment if it helps calm your spirit. I’m dead serious. Wear any and all gear you need to help put your mind at ease. Maybe with time you’ll shed some it, maybe you’ll add even more. It doesn’t matter which direction you go with it. All that matters is taking whatever steps you need to get out there. Safety gear helps prevent physical injury, but sometimes it’s not your body that really needs pads, it’s your mind that does. There is nothing wrong with that.

Location: Find a calming skate spot you like. We’ve all had our favorite spots, and we’ve all had spots we hate. It’s the energy and “mood” of a spot that either resonates or repels us. Find a spot that just “feels good.” Make that your home base. You don’t want to be at war with your physical surroundings, as this does not calm the mind. Find your “happy place” and skate there.                         

Music: This can give you something to focus your mind on while skating. Music is also great for setting a mood, too. Listen to something that helps put your mind at ease, and puts you in a good mood, no matter what kind of music it is.   

Name Your Anxiety: Verbalize and articulate (to yourself) that you are feeling anxious. Once you name something, you can deal with it more effectively. Put it in as specific terms as you possibly can. Example: “I am anxious about sliding out on this 5-0 grind and falling on my (once broken) arm again.” Once this is done, you can decide how to deal with this trick based on your comfort levels. Just got for it? Stop skating entirely for the moment? Move on to some completely different trick that you are comfortable with? The choice is for you to make, but once you concretely state what you are having anxiety about, you can develop a roadmap/plan for managing it.  

 

Envision Success: Hesitation and doubt can lead to problems when trying a trick. Going into a trick while thinking, "Oh, man, I really hope I don't bail this" is a bad approach. It assumes failure. Go into any trick (including something you've never tried before, or something you've already been trying for 15 minutes) thinking, "I will/can land this." Thinking about slams can often lead to slamming. So, envision yourself landing it and rolling away. This will put you in a better mental place, and a more confident one at that, too. Confidence is our goal.

Know When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em: There are three roads to the top of the mountain.

First, if you are skating and things don't feel right, stop skating. Maybe stop for a few minutes. Maybe stop for a few hours. Maybe stop for the day. Rarely does anything good come from forcing yourself do something, that is supposed to be fun, when you're not feeling it. If your mind is not in the right place, neither will be your skating. Be honest with yourself about what feels right, and do what ever that is. If need be, fight that battle another day.

Second, if you are skating and something doesn't feel right, go do some totally different tricks. Supposed you are trying backside tailslides on a bench, and suddenly they start freaking you out for some reason. Stop trying them. Move to something completely different. Something you are comfortable doing. Something you have fun with. Maybe it’s carving a bowl for a bit. Maybe it’s power slides. Maybe it’s switch 360 flips. It doesn’t matter, just do something totally different from whatever was causing the anxiety. The purpose of doing something different is to “ground” or "recenter" yourself, which will help calm your mind. Once that is done, then maybe try an ollie to backside axle stall a curb. Then an ollie to pivot. Then a pivot to tail. Then a backside ollie to tail. Then maybe a short ollie backside tailslide. Then repeat this process again a slightly higher curb, working your way back towards that bench, one baby step at time (bringing us right back to the beginning…baby steps).  

Last, if you are skating, and something doesn't feel right, go for it! This approach works for some people. I am NOT one of them. The second way is what works best for me. I only include this third method because it does work for some. The theory is that if you push through (and assuming you come out alive), you have directly confronted the fear, and have proven it to be something that you don’t need to be afraid of. In short, you violently break the tension. If this works for you, great. 

As stated above, the real thing here is to just be honest with yourself about what feels right—and to do whatever that is.

In closing I just want to remind you that (a) you don’t have to relearn everything from before, and (b) you will most likely never be as good of a skater as you once were. Age does that to everyone. Don’t let that discourage you. Focus on the present moment. Of course this is just another way of saying, "have no expectations from your past” (which I covered extensively in this post). If you remember only two things from this post, it should be “baby steps” and “put your mind at ease.” Skateboarding is supposed to be fun. Follow the path that leads you there. If you do that, anxiety doesn’t stand a chance.  

Part II will talk about social anxiety that may come up when skating around other people. That section has not yet been posted, but I will link here once it has.  

A Place on Earth

This a story of curbs, the afterlife, personal chaos, and finding a moment of sanctuary.  

A ritual is an act regularly repeated in a set precise manner, often performed in a sequestered place and according to a set sequence. Meditation is harder to define. Suffice to say it may be used with the aim of reducing stress, anxiety, depression, and pain, and increasing peace, perception, self-awareness, and well-being. Some claim it can lead to enlightenment.

The older you become, the longer it takes to get “warmed up” on a skateboard. Some years back I developed a “warm-up” routine. It was around 20 or so curb tricks that are mirror images of each other. B/S ollie to tail. F/S ollie to tail. B/S blunt. F/S blunt. Etc. I could often tell how well a session was going to go based on well how the warm-ups went. After I broke my leg, these were no longer “simple warm-up tricks.” They had all been transferred into major goals to hopefully one day again achieve with some degree of regularity. Much of my recover to this point has been relearning these “warm-ups.”

My elderly, crippled, and financially insecure parents were told two days ago that their lease would not renewed on Aug 1st, 2020. They do not own a home. They now have three months to move. They have lived at their current location for 15 years. They will have to relocate into a substantially smaller place, and will likely be forced to shed about 2/3rd of their entire belongings. I will probably have to finance most of their move. Emotion and stress levels are running very high.

I went skating tonight. I arrived at a curb I often skate. They place was utterly deserted. Even the drone from the nearby highway was absent. Its abnormality was actually bit eerie. The Corona Virus has caused a blanket of silence to fall across the night. I was alone in a quiet world with my curb.

I started doing my warm-up tricks, and then realized that I was actually doing “an act regularly repeated in a set precise manner, often performed in a sequestered place and according to a set sequence. I was performing a ritual. One I had developed long, long ago. Skateboarding can be many things. Some of those are things like “reducing stress, anxiety, depression…and increasing peace…and well-being.” My warm up tricks. This wasn’t just a ritual, it also had aspects of meditation. Especially now.

I stopped skating for a bit, and just listened to that unusual, deep stillness that enveloped the land. My mind drifted. I’ve been thinking about that Grosso birthday tribute a lot over the last week. Towards the end of it, Lucero says something to Jeff like, “Make sure there is a nice curb for me up there in heaven.” I remembered this quote, and then heard myself say out loud, “Me, too. Me, too.” I surprised myself that I had done this. A voice from nowhere that shattered the silence. I looked around for brief second to see where it had come from. In doing so, a veneer was lifted.

Fifteen feet in front of me was a nice curb. The veneer wasn’t just lifted it. It was shattered. It was like flying through clouds, and then breaking into the endless blue sky. A wave of euphoria and deep understanding swept over me. I almost started to cry from joy. “Make sure there is a nice curb for me up there.” The object and intentions of eternal happiness are not some abstract utopian concept. There are here. Now. I was actually standing in paradise at that very moment. And for that moment, sanctuary was mine.     

Some claim that ritualistic meditation, even in the midst of chaos, can lead to enlightenment. I (now) believe them.

Welcome Back: Starting Up Again After a Long Break, Part III.

                                                      Part III: Social Navigation

Welcome to Part Three of a four part series on returning to skateboarding after a long break. Part One covers a Mind/BodyReality Check. Part Two covers equipment. Part Three covers basics social navigation in the modern world of skateboarding. This section is included so you don’t end up making quick enemies, looking a turboclown, and having people desire to become better strangers with you. More importantly, all of this here to keep the Stoke flowing, and to make sure you have a good time. I recently added a Part 4 to this series which deal with skate-related anxiety.

An unknown older skater.

                                            Where to Shop: Skater Owned v. The Mall

There are basically two types of shops. The “core” skater-owned shop, and the “Mall Brand” shop (Zummies, Vans, etc.). Within skateboarding there is a common trope which mandates that you should “support skater owned” businesses. If all other things are equal, then sure, there is merit to this sentiment. However, it is seldom that all other things are indeed equal. You may not have a skater-owned shop near you. They may not carry the equipment you want. They may have horrific customer service. They may be assholes. There is absolutely no reason why you should support a bid’ness that is far away, doesn’t have what you want, and throws around attitude, just because they are “skater owned.” Anyone who tells you to patronize a shop like that just because it is “skater owned” is an idiot. Like everything mentioned (about equipment) in Part II of this series, find a shop that best suits your situation, no matter what that is. That said, there are a few things to watch out for.

If you go to a Mall Store, chances are they may not have same knowledge-base that a “core” shop has. If you know what you are looking for, then this isn’t really much of an issue at a Mall Store; they either have it, or they don’t. If however, you have some questions, the people at the Mall Store may not be able to answer all of them. Of course, I am generalizing here. Some “core” skate shops have employees that are ultra dolts, and there are also some very knowledgeable skaters that work at Zummies and Vans stores.  

Be prepared to catch some heat if you mention shopping at a Mall Store to other skaters. I would recommend that you never mention getting equipment at Mall Store while you are actually INSIDE a skater-owned shop. This may seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people can’t keep their feet out of their mouth. It’s better just to avoid those awkward situations.

On-Line shops also vary a bit, too. Some are skater-owned, some are not. SoCal Skate Shop seems to have less of a selection than they used to, but are still worth checking out. Old Skull Skateboards is great, too, but much smaller. Tactics and Skate Warehouse both have huge selections (beware Tactics tech specs on decks, etc...they can sometimes be incorrect. Always check against manufacture websites) are also a good place to shop on-line. Again, I would caution mentioning that you bought stuff on-line while/when you are actually in a “core” shop. 


                    General Interactions (On-Line, the Park, the Shop, Local Curb, etc.)

When older and/or returning skaters interact with other skaters (ones who never quit, or skaters who are much younger) there are few things to avoid saying or doing. These are things that generally rub people the wrong way, and can get you off on the wrong foot. That said, these are just guidelines. At some point, I have broken every single one of these “rules” myself, and can easily think of examples where it might a good idea to do the exact opposite everything stated below. However, if you do heed these “warnings,” you’ll never go wrong.

First, nobody cares how good you used to be, or who you used to skate with. This usually comes across as some washed-up braggart who is desperately trying to remain relevant. Live in the collective present, not your personal past. People care about what positive energy you can bring to TODAY’S session, not some cool-guy shit you (maybe) did twenty-years ago.  

Second, don’t bash modern skating (or go on about “how much better it was back in the day”) to people you are not friends with. Skateboarding evolved, and you got left behind. If you don’t like, or can’t relate, to modern “flippy shit,” huge rails, big gaps, popsicle shaped decks, modern parks, etc., that’s great. However, like it or not, that is the state of modern skating, and a lot of people are stoked on that. When you bash stuff other people like, you are probably coming across as a pretentious dinosaur with a bad attitude. No ones like that dude. If you know your audience, by all means, bash away. However, spewing that stuff off to random people (in person OR on-line) is just going to leave a bad taste. Focus on the positive, not the negative.

Third, don’t hate on people who wear pads. Conversely, if you wear pads, don’t be a Public Safety Evangelist. Both of these people suck. People who wear pads often fall into one of three categories. First, is the Evangelist. He thinks it’s insane that anyone would even look at a skateboard without full gear on. Worse, is when he tries to convert everyone to his pad-religion. This dude sucks. Never be him. Second, is Mr. Insecurity. This is the guy who feels really self-conscious about wearing pads. As a result, he has to constantly explain to everyone around him about why he has them on (past injury, can’t miss work, wife makes him, etc.). 99% of the time, no one as asked why he is wearing pads, but he feels the need to constantly broadcast in case anyone was wondering. The last type is Mr. Zen. This is the guy you want to be. He never mentions his gear unless it comes up naturally in conversation. He is not trying to convert anyone. He is not trying to justify himself. He is comfortable in his own skin. The truth is, no one really cares if you wear pads or not, and Mr. Zen knows that, so he doesn’t awkwardly force the issue into the spotlight. If you don’t like pads, that’s great. Good for you. Keep that to yourself and don’t act like some big tough guy (you’re not) just because someone else has them on, and you don’t. In any of these situations, you do you, and let others do themselves. Everyone is better off this way.   

Fourth, don’t act all “hardcore,” now that you’ve been back on the board for two weeks. People can smell a “poser” a mile away. Don’t become what you once hated.

Fifth, Thrasher t-shirts, Vans, DC Shoes, etc. are all now mainstream fashion. You may not like it, but that game is over. Complaining that non-skaters are now wearing skate brands it is just going to make you sound really out of touch with reality, as if you were complaining that someone wearing a New York Yankees shirt didn't actually play baseball, or may not even be a real fan of the game.

Sixth, wax can be a very controversial topic. If you are anywhere other skaters are actively skating, and you want to wax something, make sure you ask others first. People will be pissed if you over wax something. First, maybe throw some wax on your board rather than the ledge. If you are skating alone somewhere, use as much wax as you want (but lacquer is often a much better option, esp. on curbs).

Seventh, a note on the word “build" in regards to your skateboard (e.g. look at my new “build”). I would encourage you to never use this term. “Build” is a term used by collectors (who often do not skate), and random old-dudes on-line who are totally out of touch with skate culture. The term "build" is never used by actual skateboarders. You know how you can instantly tell when someone is from out of town, because they mispronounce the name of a common street, store, city, etc.? That’s what it sounds like when the term “build” is used--you immediately identify yourself as "non-skater" when you use that term. Never let it cross your lips. 

                                                                  At the Park

A few “rules” for the skate park, spot, ramp, etc.

First, don’t be a sheep! You have as much right to be there anyone else! Just because someone better than you suddenly starts skating the bowl, curb, ledge, bank, etc. it does NOT mean you should stop skating, or let him get a run whenever he wants. Rather, I would argue it’s MORE of reason to take your turn/turn/etc. On the flip side, realize that a total beginner (or someone else just starting again) might be really intimidated by your ability. Smile. Be kind. Talk to people. Make them feel comfortable, no matter who they are, or what their ability is.  Finally, parks can get really busy after school and on weekends. Early mornings are the best time to go if you want to avoid crowds, cross traffic, and small kids on scooters who have zero situational awareness.

Second, you’ll be shocked at how good even the locals have become. Go to a local park, and you’ll see kids doing stuff that will probably blow your mind.

Last, and I hope this one is obvious, if you are at a skate park, be mindful of others. By that, I mean pay attention to where you are standing, sitting, and skating. You don't want to be sitting on a "bench" someone is trying to skate. You don't want to be standing at the base of gap someone is trying to ollie, or standing too close to the coping while someone is skating the bowl. Also, PICK UP YOUR TRASH!


                                                              Follow YOUR OWN Stoke

Hate modern boards, can’t relate to huge rails, and despise super tech ledge skating? No problem. Just ignore that stuff and find/follow what gets YOU stoked to skate. Watch old videos on YouTube that used to get you amped-up. Check out the Thrasher Archive for your old favorite issues (ALL of the 80s and early 90s issues are fully scanned, cover to cover). Look around on Facebook and Instagram and you will find tons of other people doing the exact kind of skating that YOU relate to, and motivates you to get out there on the board. Social Media sucks on many levels, but it can also be pure stoke. As I said before, the Golden Age of skateboarding is happening right NOW—there is something for everyone, and yes, that includes YOU.


                                                          Maintain a Positive Attitude

Last, and most important, remember that skateboarding is supposed to be fun. Don’t take it, or yourself, too seriously. However, sometimes that positive attitude can be hard to maintain, and anxiety around injury, or being around other skaters can cause some problems. Part 4 of this series talks about those exact issues.  

Small Victories

Writing something down transforms abstract concept into something more concrete. It makes dismissal and repudiation a harder task. Moreover, it is acknowledgement and admission that something occurred. It provides for recognition. 

My relationship with skateboarding has been quite strained recently. It has been creating far more frustration than joy. This mood is spilling over into other aspects of my life. I am probably not a fun person to be around right now.

The problem is expectation, reality, and the vast, empty chasm between. It has been eleven months since I broke my leg. I expected to be much, much further along the so-called “recovery process” this late in the game. I thought I’d be able to skate a 4’ mini ramp again by now. I am nowhere near that (ankle could not handle running out of a bail with that much force). I thought my ankle would be strong enough/flexible enough to do nollies again. It isn’t close. I have to wear pads to skate a curb. I thought I’d be able to jog/run by now. I cannot.  Stairs can be difficult. These are but just a few examples. There are many more. Worse, I do not know if it is reasonable to think things will improve much beyond what they are now. A broken leg is troublesome, but loss of hope is what really cripples. I find myself incredibly…frustrated. I try not to have any expectations from the past, to stay in the moment, and enjoy skateboarding for what it is now, here, today…and to not be clouded by ghosts from before. It is not an easy road.  

So, how to push through this? I posted something about it on social media the other day. I got a lot of feedback from people. Two things stuck with me. First, was something Jim T. posted a few hours later.

The other was a comment someone made directly to me on Instagram.

“Dude, you broke your leg and had two surgeries on a key component to your skateboarding. It’s gonna take time, and progress is progress, regardless of how frail it looks. It’s easy to let shadow overcome light when you know what you are capable of at 100%. Allow yourself small victories. Build on those. Enjoy growing into a new skater.” 

“Allow yourself small victories.” 

I bought a small note book today. About 3” x 5”. On the cover I wrote in small (but bold), black, block letters “SMALL VICTORIES”. I will bring it with me every time I go skateboarding. It will serve as a ledger, a journal, a register of, well, my small skateboard victories.

I repeat myself. Writing something down transforms abstract concept into something more concrete. It makes dismissal and repudiation a harder task. Moreover, it is acknowledgement and admission that something occurred. It provides for recognition. 

Before I can allow myself small victories, I first need to recognize and admit they even occurred, no matter how small they are. To that end, I now have pages to fill.         

Managing My Now

“You no longer have any restrictions, but you will certainly have some limitations. What those are, and how you manage them, is for you to figure out.”

These words from my orthopedic surgeon run through my mind daily. My ankle is still fucked. It will never be 100% again. The question is just how much I will regain, and how long that will take. It is still quite weak. It has limited flexibility. It hurts if quickly come down on it with a lot of force (e.g. running, “running out” of a trick, landing Primo, etc.). Stairs are difficult.

What does this mean for skateboarding?

The short version is that;
(1) There are a lot of tricks I can no longer do at all,
(2) There are a lot of basic tricks that are really sketchy/scary to do, and
(3) My ability to do “controlled falling” is not what it used to be.

I can not skate transition over 2’ high, because I can’t run out of bail with that much force coming down on my ankle, and it isn’t reasonable to think I’d be able to just knee slide out of everything. Nollies, switch ollies, etc., those are gone. Ankle just isn’t strong enough for them. Even regular ollies are weird, because my ankle does not have the fine motor skills anymore to guide the board with exact precision. Right now I am mostly just doing stall tricks on curbs/low ledges, and slappies, to get the muscle (new) memory going. Small transition is just basic lip tricks. Independent of my ankle, I have not seriously skated in nine months. The rest of my body also has to become reacquainted to the demands of skateboarding. So, there is a lot going on right now.


                                                GOALS & EXPECTATIONS

I realize that I will probably never again skate like I once could. I return to skating with no expectations from before. That said, my goal is to skate at a level that is meaningful to me. Carving around a parking lot, with no tricks, is not going to cut it. So, the question becomes what is a “meaningful level”? As of now, my goals/hopes are:

-Basic curb tricks (slides, grinds, etc.)
-Basic tricks on very small transition (2’ and under)
-Carve around in bigger bowls

If I can get to that level, with some degree of consistency, I’ll be happy. And I feel fairly confident I will be able to—it just may take awhile. A dream situation would be to skate a 4’ mini ramp again.


                                                 STRETCHING / WARMING UP

My entire body, not just my ankle, needs to get in shape again. I have become really stiff. I need to stretch on a daily basis not just for ankle physical therapy, but to help with everything else, too. Before skating I now have to spend at least 5-8 min stretching out. This is not only to help get my ankle loose, but to help prevent strains, pulls, tears, etc. to other parts of my body. 


                                                                 PADS

There is a metal plate and screw in my lower leg/ankle. Even slight taps to that area cause tremendous pain. The scar tissue/incision area is really sensitive, and when the plate gets hit…game over. And as any skateboarder knows, getting hit in the ankle with your board (even lightly) is a very, very, very common thing. So, I need to add some protection to that area. I got a kid’s soccer shin pad, which fits right over the area and protects it nicely.

I cannot fully “run out” of bails. This causes me to fall sometimes on occasions that I never would have fallen before. My ankle sometimes betrays me, and causes me to collapse in pain (e.g. during a failed “run out,” or if I bail and land on foot with too much force/at an angle, etc.).

Because my ankle is weak, slow, and stiff right now, I no longer have the same capacity to do “controlled falling” (to the extent I ever did before). We all know that “controlled falling” is an essential skill to skateboarding. Sometimes I go down in very awkward ways now.

Then there is the “mental game.” I will be 100% honest—a lot of skateboarding scares me right now. Fear of reinjury to my ankle. Fear of serious injury to some other part of my body because I can’t properly fall because of my ankle. Reinjury Anxiety is a REAL thing.

So, the obvious conclusion here is that for the near future I absolutely should be wearing knee/elbow pads anytime a “run out” might be required. Grinds, slides, transition, etc. Yet, I haven’t always done so. Somewhere in my head I hear this voice saying, “You don’t need pads to skate a curb or a 2’ tall quarter-pipe.” Truth is, right now I actually do. Maybe there is also some level of shame in there, too? I’m not sure what it is all about. I just know what logic tells me to do verses what I actually do. Sometimes there is a gap between those two. I’m working on that.